Broken, But Not Destroyed
I’ve been here one year, one whole year since moving to Chicago and totally starting over.
I came with a lot of hope, but inwardly carrying so much pain. So much pain from a betraying relationship in my personal life, and a verbally abusive power in my work life.
But even in my walk of hope into the future, in hopes away from the past, I had no idea the amount of resistance I was about to face.
You see, previously at one point in all my hope as I left to start a new season in my life, I thought I could do anything, accomplish whatever I set my heart on.
But instead of encouragement, I faced the betraying, abusive voices: “Who do you think you are?? What do you think you’re trying to do? You are nothing. You are completely unvaluable.”
The people of power and influence in my life had bullied my spirit almost into the ground.
I feel like I’ve lived with the humiliation of my hopes being dashed, and ashamed I was ashamed.
And yet– how can I say this– I knew.
I knew that I was supposed to step into a role of helping businesses be successful. I knew it was also time to partner with non-profits to build sustainable business models for them to help provide work opportunities for trafficked and abused women, to teach these beautiful women that they are more than their bodies, that they are full of potential and skills and opportunities within business.
This kind of work, this kind of “helping businesses” is otherwise known as consulting. And I thought this was it, this was my calling.
But the oppressive cloud hung over my head all year, and I couldn’t get the ridiculing, scoffing voices out.
“Who do you think you are? A consultant??”
At times this past year I have felt that all was lost.
I have had total meltdowns more than I care to recall.
I have felt like I’ve been on the verge of complete disaster continually.
I have faced very real injustice, betrayal, and brutal insensitivity.
I wanted to walk away. But I didn’t quit. I couldn’t quit— how can I explain it? I knew that I knew I was supposed to pursue this calling.
For so long I knew that God’s love was for me, and I was down with that. But I really didn’t think his justice applied to me.
Oh, but little did I realize that justice is love in action.
It’s really powerful love giving really powerful purpose. It’s hope wrapped in a gift.
It’s real. It’s received.
Here it is. A kind way God has worked justice for me.
Today I started a job as a small business consultant for a reputable consulting firm in Chicago.
How was I to know that they would need a consultant that specializes in marketing and non-profits, which are both my favorites and my passions.
And folks, that’s when I knew that the only voice that matters is the one that created me.
Others can point and scoff and even in pious judgment say to God, “Who does she think she is??”
And he simply smiles and answers, “The best. The most awesome. The biggest world changer. You see, she’s with me.”
It brings to me to tears, that it all had a purpose, that following a very small seed of struggling faith was much bigger than any other opposition.
Sometimes it takes being broken to realize that you can’t be destroyed.