Life

Look at what I’ve accomplished! I’m worth it!

Posted on by Angela Madaha

and then this straight-up slapped me in the face.

I read this specific section about 1-2 weeks ago as I’ve been progressing through Jesus + Nothing = Everything. The book in itself has been rocking my system of thinking and God has used it recently as one of the many means to show me my legalistic thought patterns.

Identity has been a huge struggle for me, specifically during the past 1 1/2 years. Who am I. What is worth. Where is my purpose. What must I do. How much is enough. Where is freedom. Is there hope.

Who will deliver us.

Paul Zahl authors his book with those exact words and Tullian uses this section in his book to knife deep into hearts obsessed with performance:

“If I can do enough of the right things, I will have established my worth.

Identity is the sum of my achievements. Hence, if I can satisfy the boss, meet the needs of my spouse and children, and still do justice to my inner aspirations, then I will have proven my worth. There are infinite ways to prove our worth along these lines.

The basic equation is this: I am what I do. It is a religious position in life because it tries to answer in practical terms the questions, Who am I and what is my niche in the universe? On this reading, my niche is in proportion to my deeds. In Christian theology, such a position is called justification by works. It assumes that my worth is measured by my performance. Conversely, it conceals, thinly, a dark and ghastly fear: If I do not perform, I will be judged unworthy. To myself I will cease to exist.”

Do you see any freedom in that kind of thinking? Nope. nada. zilch.

Honestly, I am still wrapping my mind around this. I haven’t arrived. But I don’t really think that’s the point. We read that and think, “Ok, so I guess I need to work on my identity and find it in Christ alone.”

That’s. Impossible. There is no hope in that thinking and the whole phrase is a ridiculous oxymoron.

But, really, what am I to do? Who will deliver me if I can’t “make” my identity to be only in Christ? God, if you don’t step in and intervene, then I am lost. I cannot be free from performance unless I with broken hands cling to the performance of Another. Teach me what this mindset practically looks like because I cannot go in to work tomorrow with the perspective that I have been believing for so long now.

Somehow, someway, I want my life to stand up and shout, “Look at what Jesus has accomplished! He’s worth it!”

25 years.

Posted on by Angela Madaha

25.

It’s a pretty good number. It’s the cost of obtaining a treasure from the gum ball machine. It’s the year your car insurance goes down (supposedly). 1925 was the year Scotch tape was invented!

It’s also a great time for everyone to remind you that you have crossed the quarter-century threshold.

thanks friends.

It’s been a great time to think. remember. I clearly remember the day I turned 24. If my calculations are correct, that would be 1 year ago.

1 year ago. I had just graduated from grad school.

The next day I was leaving for a 2 month missions trip to Spain, England and Italy. My life was very simple. and condensed. like Campbell’s chicken noodle soup. And I had about 5 banana boxes and 3 suitcases to my name packed away in Greenville.

All I knew at that moment was that I was going to Europe to live with broken people and serve where needed.  After that there were no plans, no job, no income, no “direct revelation” about next steps.

I would not in a million years dreamed up what has happened in 1 year. 1 single, solitary year. Can I even begin to describe…? A couple thoughts come to mind about this past year.

Unstable.

The 5 months after graduation were a little out-of-hand, borderline ridiculous: 14 homes, 9 churches, 4 countries, 6 cultures, 15 couches/beds/mattresses, 7 ministry offers, thousands of dollars. And when it was all said and done I was still broke, jobless, homeless, and directionless, without a clue of where in the world I was supposed to be.

Even when I got a job (check that: when God gave me a job) and came back to Greenville, I had a huge struggle with financial instability. I had to wait 3 weeks before getting paid, on top of being unemployed for 5 months. Back to my mathematical insight, when you add $0 + $0, you get a very stressful life transition.

It took a long time to recover from that, longer than I wanted to wait. Through tears and faith-straining, God taught me patience and trust. I was horrible at it, but He was teaching me none-the-less.

He taught me to practically boot strap.

He taught me to not feel guilty about saying “no” to certain activities or opportunities.

He taught me to pray, and to love Him more than money by thinking about Him more than money.

He showed me I’m actually a very fearful, controlling person that is in need of a Savior every single day.

Bi-polar

This descriptive overlaps with the previous one, yet focuses more on my emotions. My emotions were up and down, and tended to stay down for long periods. Then I’d go through deep, soul-stirring moments of Jesus-love and be soaring, and then I’d be discouraged about a difficult situation or sin. I knew that I wanted Jesus more than anything, but this war kept raging in my heart more than I’ve ever noticed before in my life.

Identity Crisis

Actually, it was more of an identity loss. crushed. God piled up everything that I loved and was finding my identity in and called it “Idolatry” and that was really hard for me to take, so I fell flat on my face. He told me to burn my idols and turn from them before they turned on me.

But, everything? Even my mind? My thoughts, my dreams, my passions?

God: “Yes, they have become idols. Your heart is an idol factory. You sacrifice them and I’ll give them back when and where I decide, if I ever do. You say you’re ‘Complete in Thee’, but you’re not. So let go and cling to Christ. Do you love me more than these?”

That was a very dark time for me because I had for the first time truly come face-to-face with my wicked heart of idolatry. And it was not fun. And then I wasn’t sure whether I had ever truly loved Him, or wanted Him for the gifts He gives. Yes, Jesus became more precious to me that anything during that time, but it took months to “recover” and fully understand the hope, promise and victory of the Gospel. It’s still a struggle.

By the way, yesterday (after I wrote the first draft of this post) a friend sent me this sermon from T4G to listen to about God’s plan in disappointments and dashed hopes. HIGHLY recommend it. Disappointments are purposeful!

Faith

Always remember that it’s not about the quality or quantity of faith, but WHO IT’S IN! My faith was often with fear and trepidation and cold sweats, but thank God it never was or is about me! How relieving!

This past year I was more often that not in situations where I had no other alternatives but to pray for God’s protection, guidance, and provision.

Obstacles included traveling alone, finding correct buses and trains in foreign places, language, money for travel, money for bills, money for moving, money for gas, a job, place to live, a table to eat at, a bed to sleep on, a friend to encourage me…the list is endless.

Yet here I am. Still sane. ish. And full of praise to Him because HE DID IT! Don’t forget that. Don’t praise me. Just stop. I mean go. Go praise Him.

Single

Yes, I just said the bad 6-letter S-word. Let’s face it– it often awkward and/or inferior, and not only in our culture, but also in the church. I mean, have you ever seen a movie where this awesome person is going about life, trying to find this missing piece that will make their world complete, looking for that true love and affirmation…and then they find it! They get to be single for the rest of their life!!

Highly unlikely.

Yet– watch this– isn’t it awesome that no one has to “wait” for fulfillment and completeness and purpose?? Please read the Gospel! Jesus fills that empty hole and missing piece in our hearts! every. single. time.

So…. anyway, on this earth, I am experiencing challenges that naturally come as a result of living alone and being single, not married or dating. The main one has been the need and desire to talk about something discouraging or exciting or even mundane, and there’s simply no one around to share that with in the moment. In particular I have had many discouraging times coming home from work, and I often just wished I had someone to talk to. I found myself keeping things to myself and mulling over it in my mind.

But I soon found that to be unhealthy and, actually, ungodly. That’s why the Body of Christ is so important. I now make it a practice to immediately text or call a very close friend if something happens that I need to release and be open about.

It’s also been challenging not having another person closely peering into my life and challenging me. Not many people challenge me, question my intentions, point out inconsistencies, reveal my laziness. I’m always unsure if I have gone as far as I could’ve, because I’m the only standard to my standards.

Again, I’m finding that I shouldn’t just “accept” these things, but need to do the extra leg-work to seek out others in the Body to meet those needs of mine. And it’s ok to admit need, weakness, insecurity. Christ DIED for His Church, so it’s pretty important that I work hard to involve them in my life. And practically, if I practice keeping to myself while I’m single, then that is how I’ll eventually live out marriage.

So that just about sums it up. I’d like to think that this time next year will be full of stability and normality…but, eh, that is pretty unlikely.  Actually this past week right before my birthday God has been specifically guiding my prayers about a next step and/or phase in my life. Scary, exciting, fearful, invigorating, challenging…

I can’t wait to see what next year’s post “26” will be. Praising Him for 25.

The day of my birthday. 25 years ago.

A Bitter (refreshing) Taste of Humility

Posted on by Angela Madaha

The Italy saga continued…

I had made it. I was in one piece, I had all my luggage, and I still had (some) money left.

Like the previous weeks of the trip, I entered into this new county, new culture, and new people with no previous experiences or expectations to guide me. Everything was completely fresh and I was pretty naïve. Such a good place to be. It really makes one be a student of every person, experience, and group I saw. I had learned to be nobody of any importance and to enter into conversations and settings with an open mind, placing my perceptions and opinions lower than those I was coming in contact with. Part of that is well attributed to the language barrier. Even if I disagreed, I usually couldn’t express it in an understanding way; I was forced to constantly listen and observe. Being a foreigner gives one a responsibility to be respectful, not a right to lord one’s personal, cultural opinions over the native people. Americans, and specifically American Christians, are so domineering and harsh about our beliefs. I saw it in myself, and I felt it when I returned to the States. It made me cringe and slightly uncomfortable whenever I sensed it, because quite frankly it is normal and expected. By God’s grace may we become humble people, because in such a state as we are we may never be able to effectively spread the Gospel to His kingdom; our insistence to be “right” may very well paralyze any effort to extend the arms of the Body to place the Truth into the hands of the unreached people groups.

Personal practical lessons and applications of humility:

  • Approach each conversation and interaction with the thought: What can I learn from this person? Can I be the one that has the wrong or weak view/understanding?
  • Become a person of unending questions. Asking questions help reveal why that person believes what they believe. Dozens of factors come into play here: background, culture, family, tragedies, experiences, relationships, etc…
  • NEVER assume. Each person, place and experience must be a blank slate. Assuming can ruin things and you can be looking for something to happen while all the while you are missing the new, unique aspects transpiring right now.
  • Be wise. To balance off the previous point, allow a blank slate to be present, but allow it to add on to and complement your previous knowledge and experience. For instance, I had been living with those that had extreme pasts of drugs and violence. When I entered into a more “normal” life in Italy, I actually got to meet others in the church that had been saved from a similar life style. In wisdom, I could speak and listen knowledgably and walk in love towards that person, knowing past temptations may still be strongly present with them. And then I also had a choice: take over the conversation with “I know what your saying and this is everything I have to say about it!…” or I could store up what I was hearing, ask questions, and be blessed to build on to the mountain of amazing stories of real lives radically altered by the grace of God. More often than not we just need to shut up.
  • Shut up. But seriously, shut up. Quit talking about everything you know, that church planting article you read on twitter, recent revelation, what you read in your Bible, saw in your church, all your blessings, all your sins, awesome Piper book, God’s working in your life, blah blah blah. Sometimes we talk so much about what we “know” about God and all our spiritual stuff and insights that we totally miss out on the real soul in front of us that is dying for lack of real ministry of mercy. If only we would listen. and keep listening. and keep listening. Until we reach the core of the Jesus-need that resides in their pain-seared heart. Oh man I need this lesson—so convicting. Because haven’t I myself been that very person?
  • Do not be afraid to fail. While in Spain, I especially had a major back-lash of culture and language immersion in which I skyrocketed initially, and then fell straight rock-bottom. It was a very humiliating experience because it all was a lot more difficult that I expected. Instead of humbling and rising up, I humbled myself and stayed there, too afraid for a time to venture out in the language because I couldn’t effectively communicate; not trying and withdrawing was a whole lot easier than trying and imminent failure. I regretted that, and if I could go back and change anything, I would persevere in communication and language despite set-backs and humiliation. Some things are just more important that my perception before others. This even wore into my time in Italy; I constantly struggled to express myself and felt a huge disconnect of who I was as a person and how I fit in. I struggled to participate and invest myself while feeling like I was failing at it.

I look back and see a life-lesson: go hard after failure, because you just might happen to succeed. Because even succeeding at failure is still success, right?

#anotherwaytobelikeJesus

Posted on by Angela Madaha

Just had a personal conversation with myself. Whatever it’s worth, I hope you see the Gospel and not me cause I can’t come up with thoughts about and love for Jesus on my own. Totally not my default

 ******

So let’s revisit that tweet from a few weeks ago:

Broke. Jobless. Homeless. Single. #anotherwaytobelikeJesus

But am I limiting how my life can ”be like Jesus?” What if in 5, 10, even 30 years I tweet “Rich. Dream job. Beautiful home. Married with children”, could my hashtag still be #anotherwaytobelikeJesus ?

Yes. Because it was never about those things in the first place.

“I know how to be brought low and how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need.” Phil 4:12

Why do you focus so much on the objects or circumstances to determine God’s character or affection for you? He said, “I AM” and that is enough. He overwhelms me in love because that’s just who He is. So in the moments of overwhelming financial pressures, I am overwhelmed by God’s love in blessing me. In the moments of overwhelming financial provision, I am overwhelmed by God’s love in blessing me.

During graduation there were many testimonies given that had a common thread. Over and over I heard testimonies like this: “I didn’t know how I’d make it through school, but God abundantly blessed me and I am now graduating debt free.” “I want to thank God for blessing me with money to come back each semester.” “I struggled each semester getting money to pay my bill, and now that I’m graduating I have to future bills to pay. God is so good.

Though I didn’t get to share a testimony, I was tempted to go up to the microphone as I walked past and say, “I just want to thank God for allowing me to graduate with thousands of dollars in debt because it’s just another opportunity to grow in faith and love for Him as I sweat for years to come to pay it off. This is how he will make His name and Gospel famous in my life.”

ALL things are blessings from God. If I start thinking otherwise, like in blessings verses non-blessings, then I get into this weighted balance system where I’m weighing the differences of blessings and non-blessings in my life and hoping that God gives me more blessings so that I’ll be happy and joyful and so that I can bless God openly more because I have more blessings than non-blessings, because who would actually believe that non-blessings are worth praising God about. Yet I fall into this “money trap” so often; I mean, my praise to God before others reflect that. When did God giving me money equate with his goodness? Is life really about money? Is God really all about money? Isn’t God really all about Himself? His glory? His Kingdom?

You’ve have missed the point! It’s about God! It’s about the Gospel! Stop rating your life on balanced scales and go to the cross. “When they measure themselves by one another and compare themselves with one another, they are without understanding.” II Cor 10:12. If God gives me money, I don’t thank God for money; I thank God for God. If God takes away money, I don’t plead to God for money; I plead to God for God.

And just because I have next to nothing as far as earthly possessions does not mean that I’m able be more like Jesus than the one that has an abundance of possessions.  And the same vice versa. Which, by the way, leads into why the Body of Christ is so important. All other Christians have been given different gifts, connections, resources, and realms of influence. You cannot further the Gospel on our own. In Christ, you link arms with other Christians and work together to make God’s name famous to the world. “…so that through the Church the manifold wisdom of God might now be made known…”(Eph 3:10) Set aside labels, set aside comfort zones, get over your reputation (you’re not that important anyway), and focus on the Gospel. Know it, study it, fall in love with it.

Want to waste your life? Keep thinking about it, analyzing it, planning, figuring it out, because by the time you’re where you think it should be “all-together,” you will probably have just missed out and wasted it all. You are not God—quit acting like it, thinking like it and giving testimonies like it. And if people disagree with you, stop going to books and opinions and twitter. Go to the Gospel. Have an answer that points back to the Gospel.

Which reminds me—you seem to have issues and slight differentiations on the views of others, especially Christians. Yes, it’s good to think critically and to understand what you believe. But what’s the use of focusing on that person so much? Again, back to the comparing problem. Look for Jesus in everything, and even if it’s just a hint, thank God that the Gospel is present in that person’s life and see how you both can take a step together towards loving God more. And if there is sin or wrong motives, why does it make you so angry? Seems I’ve read a similar story in John 8—yep, the Pharisees were pretty ticked at a woman’s immoral sin. Self-righteousness. That’s what makes me annoyed with others and their “wrong representation.” Humility would see myself as a much worse sinner than they and approach them in humility, speaking words of truth yet grace. Yeah, I can’t do that- but in Christ I can.

I’m glad for time to think through these things. I think often Satan wants me to be so busy that I don’t have time, energy or alertness to listen to the Spirit’s voice. Striving in tasks but not loving the Savior makes for a miserable life.

Jesus, I thank you for all things. They are all blessings. All things do work together for good, and that good is that I would be conformed to your image, not that I’d have material or circumstantial benefits. Change my thinking and my whole system of life. Thank you that where I am now is the best way that I can look like Jesus. And as my circumstances and stage of life change, may my constant hashtag be #anotherwaytobelikeJesus

My Vita. My new life.

Posted on by Angela Madaha

So this website blog is about my life. Well, in reality my new life- my new vita. ‘What?’ you may ask. ‘New life? Does this mean you had, well, an old life?” Yep, I guess you can say so. Read on; allow me to explain.

I never considered myself a rebel. Reared in a religious home, obeyed rules—well, broke a lot, but I always seemed to make up for it later, or at least justify my choices. And I was a good girl—yeah, I was a pretty good person, especially from God’s perspective. I studied God, spent time in his church, even memorized his words! You know, pretty soon I knew enough and was far enough in my “walk” with God that I didn’t really need him anymore. If I was able to “atone” for my own mess-ups, why did I need a God to help me? Sure, I didn’t want to get on his bad side, but I was able to call the shots just as well as he did. Little did I realize, I became my own god—I had just de-godded, God. I was on the throne calling the shots, and God was my label, because life just worked best for me that way. A rebel? No way—the only rebels were those that didn’t see life my way or tried to tell me what to do. And especially those that tried to tell me that I was rebelling against God. Didn’t like those people.

Then I learned some things about the cross. The cross? What does that have to do with anything? Well, if I claim to accept God, then I must understand what he accomplished through the cross. Ok, so the cross is where the Son of God, Jesus, was crucified—he had to die for the sins of the world. So he died for my sins. Yeah I believe that- so I’m saved. End of story.

Take a closer look at the cross, Angela. Why the cross? Why punishment? Well, I know that God is a just, perfect and holy God, but since God is perfectly just, that means that all wrongs must be paid for, there must be a punishment. I know this—I watch CSI and want justice meted out to the wrong doers. A life for a life. Yet what are these wrongs? Lying, cheating, sexual immorality, stealing, idolatry. . . idolatry. What exactly is that, bowing down to a makeshift idol? No, it’s idolatry of the heart. Its when I de-god God. I overthrow his rule, put myself in his place, and actually become my own idol. The highest treason against a King. Really?? So, what’s the penalty for treason? The death penalty? No- no way, I haven’t done really bad things, I just, well, view myself as the ultimate authority in my life. I still do good—is that so wrong? “Treason. Rebel. Idolater.” The accusations are true. Guilty. The Judge looks at me and speaks the sentence- “she must die.” I stand in condemnation under the just wrath of Almighty King and God. Helpless. Hopeless.

“Wait…I will pay”. Who said that? Is that a cross—Jesus?
The Judge answers, “She has committed the highest crime against me and justice must be wrought. She wears the robes of condemnation. And yet . . . there is Way; I sent you to do my will, to show grace and love and mercy. What do you offer?”
Jesus: “My life. I know that I am covered in righteous robes of holiness, righteousness and purity, so I will give them to her and take her robes of condemnation off her. I will wear them, become her sin, take your cup of wrath—all while hanging on the cross of shame.”
Judge: “Yes- I am satisfied with this. My perfect justice demands fulfillment, yet my perfect love offers the cross and forgiveness. Become her sin and I will accept this substitution.”
Jesus: “Yes, please forgive her. With joy I will become the substitute.”

Here is a crossroads for me- do I accept this love, this life spent in my place? I do need salvation from this wrath! Yet if I accept, then Jesus owns my life. That’s what happens when someone saves another’s life. We will have a relationship unlike any other in my life. He would become my treasure, and I would be his. Do I keep my idolatry, or do I accept his love?

I cry out to him, “Jesus I want your robes! I am a rebel, abuser of your goodness and grace. filthy and wretched robes weigh me down. Take them—become my shame so that I can have new life. Undeserved. You now own me, and I love you because of who you are, because of that love.”

Yes, the cross is so much more to me now. It symbolizes new life in Christ, free from guilt, shame, and death. I am loved, I am secure—and because of this, I am a debtor to mercy.

I have new life.